the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
