I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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