Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
