oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Someone shattered a urinal.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
me + whiskey = a bad person
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
