I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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