Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
This house was built for laser tag.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
