you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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