everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
