you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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