Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Plan B is the new Plan A
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
