one two three fourrrrnication!
We named our party play list daddy issues
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
