She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
