Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
