I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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