Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
