You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
