you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just gargled with NyQuil
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
