just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
