just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Randomize
