Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
