that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
