I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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