I think I won the penis lottery.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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