I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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