is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
