if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
sex in a hospital.. check
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
