She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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