I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Randomize
