I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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