He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
