I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
