so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
