I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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