Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
