i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
