We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
