Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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