Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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