she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
