if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
