I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
