mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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