Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Randomize
