honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
