he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
