if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
