Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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