You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
