guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
