does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
