I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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