Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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