I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
