you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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