i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
operation have a gay friend backfired
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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