Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
